1. Extend your right hand towards the person you are greeting, turning your palm upwards.
2. Take hold of their elbow. Use a firm but gentle grip.
3. Shake.
4. Return your right hand to your armpit.
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HOW TO SHAKE HANDS
HOW TO REPLACE THE TONER IN THE COPIER
1. Lift Lever B.
2. Slide out Drawer E.
3. Unfasten Bracket D.
4. With a 3/16 Allen wrench, remove Cog J and set aside.
5. Cut power to laser assembly unit.
6. Remove that other thing.
7. Press ‘OK’ twice.
8. Punch hole in toner cartridge. Add one cup of water and shake vigorously.
9. Apply toner solution liberally to the machine.
10. Slink away.
HOW TO MOVE A HEAVY BOX
1. Locking your knees in place for support, bend your body from your lower back.
2. Wrap your arms around the box, bear-hug style.
3. Using a sharp twisting motion, jerk the box upwards as fast as possible.
4. For best results, be sure that the telephone is in another room, preferably on a counter or high shelf that would be impossible to reach from a supine position.
5. Before doing any of these things, make sure you are alone so as not to be disturbed while correctly picking up boxes.
HOW TO UNCLOG A TOILET
1. Shut off the water main leading into the house.
2. Trip the main circuit breaker.
3. Turn off the gas line.
4. Call 911 to keep them in the loop about what’s going on.
5. Using a compressed air hose from a local service station, dislodge the clog.
6. Restart the power, water, and gas.
HOW TO GET OUT OF ATTENDING SOMEONE’S PARTY / GIG / PLAY / IMPROV TROUPE / SCREENING / WEDDING
1. Tell them that you would love to come.
2. Ask them what day it is.
3. Tell them that unfortunately you’re going deer hunting that day.
4. Check the Internet for information about deer hunting.
5. Take a hunter safety course.
6. Purchase a deer hunting license and a high-powered scoped rifle.
7. Purchase a guided hunting trip in Colorado.
8. Go deer hunting that day.
9. Email pictures of you standing over a gutted deer to everyone you know.
How To Replace A Burned-Out Lightbulb
1. Purchase a replacement bulb at the store. The labels (watts, amps, size) can be confusing, so any will do.
2. To remove the dead bulb, hit it repeatedly with a broom handle until it dislodges from the socket.
3. Gripping the bulb with a pair of pliers, push it straight upwards into the socket until it snaps into place.
4. To dispose of the dead bulb, simply drop it off at any hospital emergency room or house of worship in your community. The garbage disposal is an excellent alternative.
WELCOME TO THE BIG HOW NOT TO BLOG
Welcome to the Big How Not To Blog: The Step-By-Step Guide To Mishandling Everything, your #1 source for the incorrect way of doing things.
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